Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
