There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
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