I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
