just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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