The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
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