You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
