He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
