dude i'm inner monologue high
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
