Can Purell be used as lube?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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