i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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