How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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