I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
