Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
