please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
be right there i have to get my cape
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Randomize
