Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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