I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
