i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
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