Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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