If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
