Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
