Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
If I die, sorry about rent.