I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I take back everything I said about communal showers
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.