mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dating After Heartbreak
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
gay sex achievement: unlocked
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!