Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.