Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
