she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
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I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
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Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick