Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
My vagina just clenched in fear
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
