i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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