i used baking grease as lip gloss
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
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