yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
