i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Randomize
