She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
