You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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