i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
