He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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