is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
