id be glad to
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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