My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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