I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
