just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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