New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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