they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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