have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
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she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
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If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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