Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
