One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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