i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
