Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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