i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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