he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
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