Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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