I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
