I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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