yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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