first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
