you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
