so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
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