I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
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