Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
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He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
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I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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