I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
