Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
