how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
