so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
