I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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