WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
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One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
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Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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