shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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