I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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