I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
