i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
